Toxic Positivity: When Needing to have a “Good Attitude” is Unhelpful

What is toxic positivity? According to clinical psychologist Dr. Konstantin Lukin, it refers to “the concept of keeping positive, and keeping positive only, is the right way to live your life. It means only focusing on positive things and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions. “

Toxic positivity means that “negative emotions “-like feeling sad, depressed, hurt, disappointed, anxious etc. – are seen as inherently “bad”, while “positive emotions”- like joy, happiness, productivity, etc.- are seen as inherently good. This creates a mentality that minimizes and invalidates the full spectrum of the human experience, and pushes for positivity only to be how we should feel and present to the world.

 Toxic positivity can look like a family member or friend saying:

1.     Don’t worry about it. 

2.     It’s not as bad as you think

3.     Don’t be sad

4.     It will all be fine

5.     Be grateful for what you have

6.     You should look on the bright side

7.     It’s not that big of a deal

… Instead of listening to why you were upset, they give you a command to change your feelings, or dismiss your feelings.

Toxic positivity is rampant right now (especially during and after the pandemic), and it’s highlighted a problem that many societies and cultures face- we don’t like the “bad” feelings that come with the human experience. Online, toxic positivity can look like a post or quote that says “Just focus on changing your outlook”. It can look like a friend posting stories of how productive they are during lock down, resulting in you comparing your actions to theirs.

So, what do you do when faced with toxic positivity?

If you’re finding you are uncomfortable with your own feelings, I offer a friendly reminder that 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, especially right now. Remember that you can’t just choose the feelings you want to have.

If other people try to push toxic positivity upon you, it’s okay to gently remind them that you appreciate their intention, but you don’t need them to change how you feel right now, and ask them to stay present with you as you express your feelings.

I also want to encourage you to be wary of social media, especially when looking at influencers. We all know social media is a highlight reel-only showing the best, happiest moments- and it may make you feel like everyone is handling life better than you right now. Recognize when your favorite pages may be promoting toxic positivity messages, and think critically about what content you’re allowing to take up space in your mind. Maybe this means not spending as much time on social media right now, and filling that time with something that allows you to stay present and grounded in your space and experience.

More than ever, we need each other: we need to turn to each other with our feelings. If a friend/family member comes to you with tough feelings, try to see if you find yourself wanting to engage in toxic positivity to “cheer them up”. Instead, consider just listening to them, be with them, feel with them. We are created to connect and hold each other up through all support and love, not through positivity only.